This can be a really gray area.
My Grandma Neill indicated that she didn’t know much about her one grandfather. After asking several times and getting little in the way of information, I stopped questioning her as it became apparent that I was not getting information and asking about him was starting to irritate her. I eventually discovered the out-of-the way rural cemetery where this grandfather’s second wife was buried. While it was in the same general area where my family had lived, I had never been to the cemetery before as no other family members’ graves are located there.
Grandma found out I was going to this cemetery and was very inquisitive about why I was going there and whose grave I was looking for. She knew. Grandma would have been a teenager when her step-grandmother died and would have been aware at least of her death and burial. It was at that moment that I realized she knew exactly for whom I was looking in that cemetery.
Sometimes it’s best to try and keep peace with the living.
So…
I told her it was a “way back member” in one of my Grandpa Neill’s family.
I never mentioned it again.
I did record Grandma’s reaction to my cemetery visit in my notes on her as I felt it indicated she knew more about her grandfather’s family than she let on.
5 Responses
I appreciate this post. I have a senior family member who has consistently related experiences from her late teens and early twenties, which lacked detail. When pressed she brushed off the questions with statements about sad memories of the time she didn’t want to revisit. An event occurred 2 years ago which forced her to admit to me privately–through tears about the deception–that her claims were totally fabricated. I assume she wanted desperately to be considered to be an active part of the history making events of the time period. I’d still like to know more about what prevented her from that participation, but clearly she doesn’t want to talk about it and so I consider it a closed subject. She is too dear to me for that.
My grandmother lied about where she and grandpa married. She told everyone that she and grandpa has run away from La Grande, Union, Oregon to Weiser, Idaho to marry. One day on my way from La Grande to my home in Idaho I stopped in Weiser and searched for their marriage record and it wasn’t anywhere to be found. I stopped at several small court houses and not luck. I came home and call one of her younger sisters to see if she knew. The marriage was over 50 years ago and the grandparents dead. The sister remembered my grandmother had friends in Nampa, Idaho so she suggested they mat have went there. Sure enough the next time I was in the Nampa area I found the certificate. Grandma was 16 when they ran away to get married and she was afraid that her dad would annul the marriage. Oh the tangles webs some family members weave.
My mom’s mom was the only grandparent I knew grewing up. I listened to her stories that she told about her family and especially my grandfather I never got to meet. I felt very sad foryom and grandma that he deserted them I left them during the Depression. Their life was hard. When my mom passed away I felt I needed to dig into her side of the family a little bit more then I had starting with my grandmother and finding her marriage records. It took me a couple of weeks to find her marriage records to my grandfather. To say I was shocked was an understatement. They were married outside of the town they lived in, my mom was not the youngest child, it was under a name my grandmother never used and she was 6 months pregnant with my mom. And I found that record completely shocked I heard this voice say ” mind your own business you are too Snoopy!” It was interesting as I went on with each record I found and each shock that came about fueling the fire. It led me to finding members of my grandpa’s family. When one of them told me they had not divorced until 1967 I knew that was a mistake. Then I found the legal notice and a paper and it was 1967. So much of what my grandmother and mother told me or wrong. I understood why they did it but it saddens me that because of the lies and what they tried to hide I never got to know my grandpa. I found out my grandpa how to accidentally killed his baby sister when he was 9 and she was six. Oh and the reason he never filed for divorce during the Depression ( she left him he did not leave her) was because he loves her and hoped she would come back to him. I encourage people today to at least right a couple pages other life especially if they have stories to tell or things to hide. If they don’t they may have a Snoopy old granddaughter who comes along and find the records, pieces together the puzzle and then it becomes her story not their story. I don’t know what I would have done had my Mom and Grandma still been alive. I probably would have kept it to myself until later.
I think also we can still give our ancestor respect and dignity even telling the whole story not just the good part of the life.
I don’t have a problem with telling the entire story, especially if the records are out there to be found. In this case, pushing the issue with my Grandmother, who really didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t serve any purpose. Sometimes if the event is long past and someone doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s not worth ruining today’s relationships in an attempt to get them to talk about it–at least from my perspective.